


Moving on is impossible to do

by thestoriesthatiwrite



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: Fix It Fic, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-09-30 13:13:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20447693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestoriesthatiwrite/pseuds/thestoriesthatiwrite
Summary: It's been two years since Harry's death and James is having trouble moving on. Encouraged from all sides  to let Harry go, James goes on a holiday with his old college friends. One week of fun and nothing to remind him of anything that has happened in the last few years, that was the plan, but then he meets Louis.





	1. Is it time yet?

_Here lies Harry Thompson,_

_beloved son and friend_

He placed the rose down and tried to ignore the drops of rain that had started to fall from the sky. This was their moment. Every month he went on the 22nd at exactly 4 p.m. It was scheduled in as an appointment in his overfull agenda to ensure he would never miss it. This month, however, would be the last time he’d come. It was time to move on. Being stuck like this had cost him a lot. His guilt had nearly destroyed his entire family, it had turned him into someone he hadn’t even recognised. Someone he no longer wished to be. Harry would forgive him, Tony had said. They had grown surprisingly close over the course of the years. Both feeling the loss of Harry majorly. Tony even occasionally left Isaac with him. James didn’t like kids, but Isaac was different. Isaac was Harry’s. James would protect Isaac with his life. It was the only thing he could do, the only way he could somewhat make right what he did to Harry. He could never fix that, but giving Isaac a promising future, that he could do.

James never spoke when he visited Harry, he could never find the words. He simply stood there starring at the name engraved in the marble, feeling every crack in his broken heart, as he was savouring it. James wasn’t even sure what he was doing here. James didn’t do graveyards. Yet here he was and every month loyally he came, same routine every time. He would drop a flower of his choosing and simply walk away after a few minutes.   
Today was different, today would be his last time. If he walked away now, he would walk away from Harry and never come back. What they had, what they were, it would be in the past. It, they, everything that they had ever been would be over. A chapter in James his life that he had come to an end.   
To move on, let go. To release that invisible hand that James still felt like he was holding, it meant forgetting little by little the touch of Harry’s lips on his. Forgetting the sound of his voice, his laughter or the way Harry talked in his sleep at times.   
James still remembered everything. He still remembered Harry now. If he walked away, if he turned his back on him, if he released that hand... What would remain of his memories then?

“It’s harder than it looks.’ He heard Tony say. The man had approached him. “I have a daughter here not far away even, I'm ashamed to admit I rarely go. It’s painful.” He said simply. “Harry’s no different. But life continues and we’re still here.” Tony placed his own bouquet down. “I meant what I said. He’d want you to move on. He wouldn’t want you to blame yourself. Breda’s dead, she got what she deserves. Harry got his justice.”

Justice, James hated that word. Where was the justice in any of this. How did Harry get justice because Breda is dead, so is he. That’s not justice. That is just what someone has coming to them. It’s revenge.

“You have a nice guy that really want to make things work with you.” Tony looked at him, he gave him a quick glance and opened his umbrella. “Just,” Tony placed a hand on his shoulder and gently squeezed it. “It’s time.” James didn’t respond and Tony nodded. He took a step back, “Come by the Hutch afterwards, we’ll have dinner.”

James simply nodded and continued to star ahead of him at the back letters. At the H that Harry had once described as Hot, at the A that James had decided meant Athletic. at the R that Juliet had written down as Royal pain in the ass, and the second R that Marnie had translated to Radiant and then the Y which had been Romeo’s. The Y for Youthful. They had joked at times about James growing bored of Harry if he ever grew grey. He hadn’t realised then, it was a genuine worry of Harry’s. He should have. He should have done a great many deal more, maybe just maybe if he had done that, Harry wouldn’t have stayed youthful forever.

The rain had stopped and the evening shadow had snuck upon the headstone. He tried to open his mouth, tried to speak. Tried to say goodbye, but he was choking on the words in his throat. Maybe it wasn’t time, maybe he wasn’t ready yet.   
Maybe that ready would never come,   
And maybe that was okay.   
Maybe.

*

“There you are.” Tony beamed, “have a seat. Menu’s coming soon. I’ve been trying this new French thing, you might just like it.” 

“Can’t wait” James said. He would never tell Tony his cooking left much to be desired. Tony was Harry too. Everything that was Harry was to be protected and to be kept near.

“I think John Paul is nearby. If you want to invite him over.” Tony hinted.

James smiled. “Maybe.”

In the aftermath of Harry’s death John Paul had returned to Hollyoaks. They hadn’t parted on good terms, but in the end they had bonded over the death of their loved one. Craig had passed away a year ago. Car crash from what James knew. There was something comforting about being with someone that knew you would never love them as much as you loved someone else once, and not minding it, because they too, could never love you as much. He didn’t get as crazy over John Paul, because of it. Even when Ste needed him for some irrelevant thing with Leah, it never got out of hand. James loved Harry the most, even if Harry was no longer there to love.

“Can you watch Isaac for me tonight?” Tony asked. “Diane and I need a night to ourselves. Scott is taking Ant, DeeDee and Rose to the movies and Sinead is with Sami.”

James nodded “I’m sure my mother would love to see him.” 

James ate his dinner, complimented Tony on his new dish and went upstairs.

“Oh, good there you are.” Diane handed Isaac over to him. His blond hair had grown since last James had seen him. He looked more like Harry every day. “He’s just been fed, all his stuff is in the bag.” James took the bag with his other hand.

“Do I look like a donkey? Or did you lose the buggy?” He asked.

Diana sighed apologetically. “Head’s all over the place. Getting the restaurant back up and running with four kids around is not an easy task.”

“Well, here to help.”

“And for that we are grateful.” Diane walked into Isaac’s room and took the stroller out. “Scott will pick him up later tonight.”

“Okay.” James placed Isaac in his seat, “See you then”.

He stared at Isaac, who starred at him. Isaac unnerved him, always did. He was a walking, talking reminder of Harry. A reminder of what he had lost. What Isaac had lost.

“Look who is here.” His mother said in pitch high voice when she saw James walk in with Isaac. James was all too happy to let her deal with him. “Such a beautiful little boy you are. Yes, you are. So handsome.”

“I’ll be upstairs.” James stated.

“James, darling,” His mother called before he could disappear “Some guy called Frederique called, if you were home this weekend? Wanted to drop by.”

“Frederique?” James bemused “He’s an old friend from college. Fred?”

“Black hair, moustache, nice booty?” His mother moulded over.

James chuckled, “That’s the one. I will give him a call back.”

“Oh, and honey.” James paused again on the stairs. “Want to talk about today. About, you know.”

James swallowed. In the end he hadn’t been able to do it, but maybe it was for the best if people believed he had. “No, maybe later. I want to change into something more comfortable now and then see what the Fredmeister has to say for himself.”

Marnie didn’t say anything else, so he changed and dialled the last called number back. Fred had wanted to have a drink and catch up. He was in town for a conference. James agreed to meet him, Fred was one of the few friends he had made that stayed in touch with him over the course of the years. James wouldn’t really call him friend per say but Fred would be insulted if he ever suggested otherwise. The friends you make in college are for life, he always said.

Marnie was watching Sesame street with Isaac by the time he came downstairs. The boy didn’t seem tired at all. As energetic perhaps as his father. James grabbed a wine glass, poured himself a white and set down. “He really is growing up fast, isn’t he?” Marnie mused.

“That is what kids tend to do. I’d be more worried if he was still as small as he was when we last babysat him.”

“Poor child. No father, no mother. Growing up raised by Tony and Diane. Such a rough start in life for such a little thing”

“Life’s hard at times.” James said, he downed his wine with one gulp.

“He’s lucky to have you.” Marnie tried to make eye contact with James, but James avoided it. “You made sure Tony got custody after Sadie’s death. He will be far happier here than with her parents.”

James got up. “I’m going to John Paul’s. You’ll be fine with Isaac here, won’t you?” 

Marnie nodded. James couldn’t stay here. He knew his mother meant well. But Isaac wasn’t lucky to have him. James had been a curse to Harry in the end, and to Isaac by extension. He was the reason Isaac would grow up with a dad to love him .

He knocked on the door of the McQueen house. He didn’t need John Paul to sooth his worries or to listen to him. He just needed the distraction that the man would bring. This wasn’t serious nor would it ever be. John Paul might want that one day and James would give him a semblance of something that seemed real, but James wouldn’t be a curse to him. Never again, would he be a curse to anyone.


	2. Invitation denied or not?

Fred had not changed on bit and James had to admit that included his lovely behind. The man grinned from ear to ear when James greeted him in The Bean. He came up to him and pulled him into a hug. James had forgotten how affectionate Fred was with his friends. He hadn’t minded in college. It did wonders from his mood back then, probably due to his infatuation with the man. 

“James, my man, you look good. Rich. But good.” He released him from the hug and scanned him over. “Are you eating enough? he asked. “ Kidding, kidding. It’s all the stress from these high profile court cases you’ve been doing. Man, I am impressed! Your name is everywhere these days. You are a lawyer rockstar on campus.”

“Still teaching then?” James deducted.

“Yes, still teaching. It might not pay as many bills as your job. But I like thinking one day I will have shaped the next ruthless son of a bitch and he can be a rockstar too.”

James laughed. “I’m flattered.”

“You drop by sometime, do a guest seminar. They would love that.” He suggested. “You would be great, well not great, but you would be inspiring.”

“I would be great and inspiring.” James sat himself down on the couch. “I would steal that spotlight of yours along with all your admirers.”

Fred nodded in disbelief. “Cocky, cocky. So freaking cocky.”

“How is your wife?” James asked, noticing a missing wedding ring.

“She’s a soon-to-be ex-wife now.”

“And you are here because you need my help with a divorce.” James offered.

“Yes, thanks for offering, though not why I wanted to talk to you.”

“No? Got a bigger problem.”

Fred opened his bag and pulled out a pamphlet. “We’re organising a reunion thing. Getting the old gang back together. You know, Carlson, Me, You and there’s George. It was Carlson idea. We’ve all reach that stage where our marriages are over and we’re once again as single as we were when we first met.”

“Well, that is pathetic.” James took the paper from his hand. “Skiing?”

“Carlson’s idea. He had never gone before. I went a few times, but we’re thinking of Scandinavia for skiing. I’ve never been there, so it’s cool with me.”

James read it over. “I’m very busy.” He said. “Not sure I can make it.”

“Try. It won’t be the same without you.”

James look at the date, 22nd of November. He definitely couldn’t go then. He had to see Harry at 4. He closed his eyes for a second and could see Harry’s smile behind them.

“I’m afraid I really must decline. I have an important appointment, which unfortunately cannot be changed.” He excused himself.

“Okay. I guess, we’ll have to entertain ourselves without the company of your condescending wit.”

“I truly am sorry. I would absolutely be there, if circumstance allowed it.”

“No, I get it. You are a hotshot lawyer. Busy beaver and all. It was a bit short notice anyway.” James nodded. He looked at the paper again before handing it back. “Keep it, just in case. Your appointment falls through.”

James sincerely doubted that. He had let Harry down enough in life, he had no intention on doing it in death.

*

“I don’t understand why just won’t go.” Romeo was arguing with him. “It’s skiing, it’s fun. Why are you so against fun.”

“I’m not against fun, I just don’t have time to go.”

“That’s bullshit. You have one appointment with Tom, I’m sure Tom would understand if for once you couldn’t make it.”

“Have you been going through my stuff?”

“It was just lying there.”

“It was in my bag.” James snapped back.

“Okay, so Juliet took it out and after that it was just lying there.” Romeo explained. “What is the big deal? It’s just a paper and just an appointment.”

“It’s not just anything. This is my work, my life. You and Juliet spying on me, I do not appreciate that. It is childish, immature and something tinny, stupid little brats do.”

“Like you are so much better. Conned any teenagers out of their lunch money, recently. Or how about that fight with Sami last month over some client that wasn’t even worth it in the end. Just to proof you could piss further than him.” Romeo lashed back at him. “You are hardly a role model for good behaviour. Your life is a mess. You’re stuck in the past and it is making you bitter, miserable and..” Romeo paused and took a few breathes as if he knew he had crossed a line, “none of it is fixing anything.” He calmly finished.

James look at him, “I’m not trying to fix anything.”

They were silenced for a while. James could tell Romeo was moulding something over in head, trying to figure if or how to say it. He sighed, having made up his mind. “You know, We miss him too –“

“- Don’t.” James shook his head. “We’re not doing this.”

“We’re never doing this.” Romeo replied. “it’s been two years and we never do this. We don’t talk about him, even though his pictures are still on the wall and all his stuff in the same like any day he can walk through that door and come home.”

“Stop it.” James warned him weakly.

“I know, Tom is Harry. I’m not stupid.”

“No, you are a child. You don’t understand a single thing about what you are saying.”

“I understand better than you know, I lost Lily.”

“Lily, Lily, Lily. it’s been two and half years, and that is all you bang on about. You knew Lily for what 8 months, It is not the same.” James knew he was being cruel, but he didn’t know how else to be right now. Everyone wanted him to let go, to release Harry, forget him, but his first instinct was always to push back. “We’re done with this conversation.”

Romeo’s face looked like thunder, he stormed past James and slammed the door hard on his way out. Marnie had come downstairs. “Oh, Darling. Was that really necessary?”

“Yes, Mother, after all I did warned him” James shrugged like it was no big deal.

“Romeo wants what is best for you. He loves you, James and he’s only trying to help.” She placed a hand on his arm. “We are all trying to help you.”

“I do recall asking for your help.”

“What is it you fear will happen if you let us?” Marnie sat down on the chair. “Darling, you have been avoiding this conversation for long enough. Making us believe every single time, we’ve got through to you. Enough is enough. No more lies, you hear me.”

“I’m just” James swallowed “not ready.”

Marnie nodded. “Alright. Then you are not ready. We understand that, there is no need to be so harsh.”

James knew his mother was right. “I should probably go to talk to him.”

“Probably.” Marnie agreed. “He’s just worried, you know. You went to so far last year from our reach. And got so lost. When you shut us out and you hide things –“

“- I know.” James placed a hand on her shoulder. “I know, mother. It won’t get to that again. I had my revenge and Breda is dead and I’m no longer angry every second of the day. I’m just not –“ James couldn’t really find the right word.

“done grieving yet.” Marnie filled it in. James nodded slightly, “Oh, my poor boy, what I wouldn’t give to take some of that burden away from you”

He smiled. “I know.” James got up and grabbed his coat. “Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go find my son and apologise to him.”

*

At first glance Romeo was nowhere to be found. James had checked all his local spots. Reluctantly, James ended up texting him. Romeo was at Tom’s apparently. James rang the bell of the Osborns but when Tom opened the door, Romeo appeared to have lied to him.   
‘Not that Tom’ Romeo had texted later, ‘your Tom’.

So here James stood for a second time this month at Harry’s grave, but for the first time with Romeo.

“I was just informing him what a massive dick you are.” Romeo told him.

“That’s no news to him” James replied, looking at Romeo. If he looked at Romeo it felt less like he was talking to Harry, like there was somehow a third person in this conversation they were having.

“I come here sometimes, did you know that?”

“No, I did not.” James had to admit.

“It’s mostly to complain about you.” Romeo jabbed.

“Then sometimes is pretty good, with my track record you could have been here every week.” James tried to lighten the mood a bit.

“He got me, you know. He understood how difficult you are. And when we argued, he always knew how to fix it. Make things better. Without him, everything between us is harder.”

James couldn’t look at Romeo anymore. The guilt was weighting on him. He knew he wasn’t an easy man. He was damaged and broken, and he broke and damaged everyone around him. He had pushed, and pushed his family away last year to the point he was sure they would even look at him anymore. But they had come back and they had stayed. And here they still were. 

“I’m sorry.” James said. “I’m sorry, I’m not a better father. I lash out, I hurt people, it’s what I do.” Romeo was silent, “I shouldn’t have said what I said about you and Lily. I know you loved her and that she meant the world to you.” James looked at Romeo

His son shrugged “I know, it’s different. But it’s also the same. I just want to help you. I just want you to be happy.” Romeo took a few steps closer to him. “We all do.” He turned around to face Harry. “And so does he.” James looked up. “I know you’re still grieving and moving on seems like the hardest thing in the world right now. But it’ll never be time until you decide to break this cycle you’ve created for yourself. You’re stuck and it’s not going to get better, it’s only going to get worse. You will miss out on so much if you hold on this. New love, Isaac growing up. Cause, yeah, I have notice how he makes you feel. It’s why we’re all there when you babysit him. It’s not because we actually think you might kill him. We think he might just end up killing you.”

“He’s a baby”

“He’s Harry’s baby.” Romeo corrected him. “Go skiing, you want to see Tom, then go on his birthday. it’s 10 days earlier. Break the cycle that way. Start with something minuscule, cause baby steps are still steps. Just take one forward. For me.”

James looked at Romeo, “If I go skiing, you’ll forgive me?”

“Definitely.” Romeo nodded.

James sighed. “Alright. I will change the date to his birthday and go on this skiing trip.” James said reluctantly, “Happy?”

“I am! Are you happy, Harry?” He directed at the grave. James tensed up a bit at that. “He’s happy with it too.”

James turned around and walked away, Romeo following on his heel. “Aren’t I lucky.” He stated dishonestly.


End file.
